It’s been a long time since I’ve felt up to blogging.
One thing I have learned about life over the past several years is that it is a clumsy, complicated and ungraceful dance. A constant struggle between good and bad both fighting to take the lead. Sometimes the good is able to lead and other times it’s the bad that gains control.
At times the dance with life just clicks and glides along smoothly and you both move in sync with the music. Other times you’re tripping on your feet and being dragged along, doing your absolute best to keep up and not fall. And let’s be honest, lots of times you do fall. Hard.
I don’t know much about God, but I do know that the more I try to put Him in a box, the less He fits there and the more confused I get. I know He is good. I know He is sovereign. I know He is intimately aware of my heart and loves me with a love I will never be able to comprehend. And there are things that happen that I just don’t understand. At this point in my life, I’m able to say with confidence that I’m ok not understanding.
Throughout the last couple of months as I’ve prayed for God’s guidance, I can only say that He’s given me simply my immediate next step. There is no closure at this point, there is no ending, there is no explanation that will heal my heart. But I am so grateful for His gentle whispers and reassurances that the immediate next step is in His sovereign control. And as hard as it is not to have a long term plan in front of me, I am reassured in knowing that He cares enough about me and my life to be there in every small and sometimes insignificant ways and decisions.
There are big changes in our household. Hard ones. Sad ones. Difficult ones.
And in the midst of all of that, there is one little ray of sunshine that cuts through the clouds.
This is a hard announcement for me to make, as it’s one I’ve hoped to make my whole life. I certainly never imagined making it at a time like this. But nonetheless it is a beautiful little ray of sunshine that is shining brightly and offers warmth and hope.
In September of 2015, our family will welcome another sweet little one to our brood. And they tell me it’s a precious, healthy baby girl.
Of course I’m not sure I will believe she’s a she until I hold her in my arms! I had some intensive chromosomal testing done via blood work that ensures a 99+% accuracy rate and it does indeed appear that she is healthy and female.
But with Lilia’s loss weighing on my heart, I am struggling to put fear behind me and embrace the joy and knowledge of what it feels like to carry a daughter. I am focusing hard on enjoying her for whatever length of time I get to have her. I hope and pray she does join my crazy boys in September.
For now, your prayers are coveted and so appreciated. For peace in my heart and…for superhuman strength! And of course, that Declan would sleep. And sleep. And sleep!