Every night since Beckett was born, it has been my job to nurse him and/or rock him to sleep. He isn’t nursing anymore, but we still have our little rocking routine before bed and before nap. Although there have been times I have been annoyed with myself for putting into place a routine that requires so much time, I mostly just really savor and love this time with him.
He’s (generally) quiet and snuggly and still. Sometimes he requests songs to be sung to him, sometimes he just likes it quiet. Lately he has been taking a little stuffed bunny to bed and will lay the bunny on my shoulder or chest and then lay his head down on top of it. It is a sweet time of day where the world stops and there’s nothing else for me to do but to sit in the darkness and smell the top of his head until he gets drowsy. It is in these moments that I pray for him, for the boy and man he will become and to be the kind of mother God intends for me to be.
I remember when he took up about half of my torso. Small and compact, legs curled under him like a little frog, all bendy and warm and little.
I noticed recently that his head now rests up on my shoulder, and his legs are long and dangle around my waist as we rock. His feet hit the rocking chair, and I’ve been head butted more times than I can count. And in the last few weeks, I’ve set him in bed far quicker than I normally do because I can tell he doesn’t need me as much anymore. He can settle in his crib and doze off alone on some days easier and quicker than when I rock him.
There are a lot of people who advise against a bedtime routine that requires rocking or nursing but even now, I wouldn’t change it for the world. All I need to do is to look at my oldest and remember how unbelievably fast childhood happens and how very little of the mundane, every day moments are easily remembered and I don’t regret my time spent with Beckett before he sleeps.
It’s been an absolute joy to watch him grow the past 2 years – to see his personality start to show. The little baby who was 9 days late and as chill as a baby could be has turned into a little boy who runs the other way when you call his name, thinks discipline is funny, will always stop to give kisses when asked, who is known for his pessimistic and repeated “oh no’s and uh oh’s” and gets excited by airplanes, trucks, trains and all things Tar Heel.
He already loves to listen to baby brother’s heartbeat, pats my belly and says, “baby” and I can’t wait to see him grow into a big brother.