From about 2008 until 2012 I was part of a worship team.
I started singing background vocals as someone still figuring out who I was, where I was on my journey and very unsure of myself. It quickly became the only way I knew how to connect with God. On stage, I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. I felt, in those moments, that I was right where God wanted me to be.
In 2012, I took a break from singing. There were extenuating circumstances – I was really, really busy. When I married Todd, I jumped into serving full force. I sang on the worship team, I volunteered on the First Impressions team. I helped out with the Girls Night Out women’s ministry, I led Life Groups. I met women for coffee, talked about life and mistakes and redemption and grace. I parented my then 10/11 year old, I had a newborn. Then the newborn got bigger, and the Thursday night rehearsals and Sundays were too much.
But – it was more than that. While my relationship with God was growing, I still was fighting this NEED to be part of the worship team to feel connected to God. I was learning other ways to connect with Him, yes – but there was no denying that the tangible act of getting up on a stage and singing worship songs was by far the most significant way I could connect with Him. And I knew there was more for me – I knew it was time to be molded, to be shaped, to be pushed and to grow. So I took a break.
Recently Harrison, our worship pastor, asked me if I ever got the itch to get up there and sing again.
And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t. I’d be lying if I said some Sundays my heart didn’t ache for the familiarity of that stage. For the early morning call time and final run throughs, for the comraderie of the band members. For the way I maneuvered past amps, guitars and cords in heels – for the rush of the countdown clock hitting zero. I miss the way we’d all file off stage and into the band room, congratulating each other on a job well done or offering up constructive criticism on how to fix what went wrong. And most of all, I miss that moment on stage when you just forget that there are hundreds of people with their eyes on you, and you raise your arms and are alone, connected, worshipping your God.
I have never been a great vocalist. I’ve always wanted to be, but it’s not my gift. Yes, I can sing and carry a song decently – but I’ll never grace the stage of American Idol or front a band. I know I’ll never make it big or be famous. But there aren’t many things that can reach down into my soul and grab hold of me like a worship song. Play me a song about Jesus and I’ll probably cry. Because music touches me. And it touches most people. It’s a medium that reaches across all ages, all genders – from children to seniors, music moves people.
And I was blessed – SO blessed – to be a part of it for a long time. And I hope that someday, I’ll be ready to take part of it again.
For now, I’m forcing myself to sit still. To find peace. To learn how to connect with God in a less tangible way than on a stage. To find those worshipful moments when it’s quiet and when I’m alone. Or when I’m with my kids, or my husband. To learn how to praise and give thanks without a spotlight. For me, it was a much needed break. God is stretching me, and He’s teaching me, and He’s using me in other ways.
Singing has been part of my life since I was a child. But now, I choose to make peace with that being a season in my life that has prepared me for another season. And I pray I’ll revisit that season again, but this season – my season now – is exactly where God intends me to be.
All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship.
– Desert Song, Hillsong
Is God moving you to enter a new season in your life?