I woke up this morning feeling very anxious. Anxious because it was Sunday – I’ve taken 2 weeks off from church, and while I still feel shaken by the past few weeks, I knew that the longer I put it off the harder it would be to return. But since I’m all about honesty, I need to say that the very thought of walking through the doors and facing a crowd of people who knew made me sick to my stomach. I felt on the verge of complete and utter panic. And Beckett had woken up at 5am – it was the perfect excuse to stay home and let him nap.
But something pulled at my heart – and I knew today was the day I had to go and face people that weren’t in the small group of friends I’ve allowed into my pain. And I needed to worship. I needed the music more than anything. Music is what keeps me going. It’s what speaks to my soul. It’s how I feel the most connected to God. It’s a language that speaks to me in ways that no other language can.
And how very perfect that one of the songs in today’s worship set was a song I’ve been singing to myself for the last 2 weeks. It’s the song that weaves itself through my mind when I’m in the shower, sobbing and letting out the heartache of losing this child. Over and over, it runs through my mind –
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
Your love never fails
Standing there, worshipping with our church family, I felt as if God was reminding me that He knows the oceans are raging around me. He knows the pain comes when I lay down at night to sleep. He knows I am afraid of what’s to come. But, He loves me. And His love NEVER fails. How amazing is that? And how perfect was the timing of that reminder?
I am grateful for those of you who came up to me today at church and told me you were praying for me and for us. And the truth is, I NEED your prayers. And I am beyond grateful to live life with the people of Next Level and to see God working in the midst of my sadness.