So you may remember in a recent blog, I talked about being on a quest to learn how God speaks to me. If you’re interested in reading or hearing a little more about all of that, click HERE.
For those of you who remember, I promised to share that journey with you. And since I believe in being candid and perhaps a bit TOO honest (I hear that I have no verbal filter) I must tell you that I’ve kind of been kicking myself ever since I posted that initial blog. Now, I POSTED the blog just for that reason – so I’d have a little bit of accountability and a need to follow through. But it sort of makes me mad because now I can’t be lazy and get to it on my own time. Although to be fair, I have been dragging my feet and moving pretty slowly over the whole thing. I’d like to come here and explain how diligently I’ve been reading my bible, saying my prayers and journaling. About how I’ve been receptive to hearing God at all times of the day and how I’ve been floating through my days feeling weightless and ethereal (Am I the only one who imagines this is how people with a direct line to God are?).
Truth is, there are many nights I pray IN MY BED (oh the horror) and because I have ADD and am totally scatterbrained, I’ll start thinking about what kind of coffee I want to get at Starbucks in the morning or what video I’d like to rent from Netflix. Sometimes I get an idea for a funny blog, am interrupted by a text message OR I FALL ASLEEP in the middle of my PRAYER! But here’s an experience that I DID want to share.
The other night I was driving home from a friend’s house. It was late-ish, and I was headed down 485 towards Matthews. It was dark out, not too many cars on the road, and I had Gavin DeGraw playing on my iPod. Something got me thinking back a year or so – I was living with another single mom for awhile, and one big perk of that situation was having someone around who totally understood all the crap single parents go through. There were so many nights we would put the kids to bed and then just stay up talking, venting, crying, shouting (not at each other – just at the world). I was struggling in a lot of different areas, trying to weed out some not so great people in my life, and just harboring a lot of anger at how DIFFICULT my life was. Those memories and scenes were flashing through my mind rapidly and for a brief moment, the emotions started to flood back – the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the feelings of being so overwhelmed. It was right then – in a split second – I was made absolutely sure that God knows me. He knows me now, and He knew me THEN – in my moments of pure desperation. It was almost as if He was sitting in the passenger seat of my little Honda, trucking along 485 and turned to me with a smile to say simply, “I know”
That emotion and knowledge hit me pretty full force, and totally out of nowhere. I was a little taken aback and ok- maybe a little creeped out too. I mean, what the heck God? It’s late, and I’m driving. I’m blasting GAVIN DEGRAW. I’m not praying, I’m not thinking about you – I’m not even READY to hear from you! I am so used to feeling like I will hear from God only after I’ve said a nicely worded and proper prayer. Or maybe He’ll talk to me after I have been listening to music all about Jesus. Or maybe after I study a few scriptures that tell me about how much God loves me and wants good things for me. But no one said anything about God revealing Himself to me during GAVIN DEGRAW. Honestly, I felt a little miffed that God wanted to talk to me while I was rocking out to Gavin and remembering miserable moments in my life.
But then I calmed down, because I had that feeling again – that God was smiling at me and wanted me to know that when I struggled, He was there. In the moments I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t catch my breath, He knew and was walking me through it one step at a time. And if I look back about a year, it still amazes me how much my life has changed. A lot of it is better, some of it is not, but my hope has been restored, my faith is a work in constant progress and I feel joy in every single day.
So there it is – step one of my journey, or at least one experience I wanted to share. Nothing groundbreaking, but it is hopeful and exciting and I am looking forward to sharing more experiences with you.