So everyone’s heard of Animal Planet, right? I feel like I live there, only let’s rename it Nasty, Gross, Creepy, Crawly Bug Planet. Yes, that’s where I live. I have a cute little house out in Union County. I got to paint my bedroom a really fun teal color and it has pretty floors and a nice front porch. I have half an acre of land, it’s a dead end street, and it stays really quiet out here. (Except when the neighbors practice shooting guns. Or when the people across the street set their backyard on fire and the fire department shows up. But I digress…) Anyway, my house is cute and tiny and although I really wish it had more storage space I’m rather fond of it.
However, I hate bugs. Sometimes they appear on the ceiling in your shower just to really freak you out. They hide in random and unknown corners of your house. And they move fast! One minute they seem frozen and lifeless, the next they’re charging right at you so fast you have to scream and fling yourself onto a higher surface to ensure your own safety. Ok maybe that last one is just me. I’m a bug vaccuumer. If I see one, I’ll chase it with a vaccuum so I don’t have to kill it with my hands and clean it up. I’ve also been known to capture the insect under a bowl/box/cup/whatever and make someone else come to my house to dispose of the carcass.
It stands to reason then, that I would choose to move into a house well off the beaten path, set back from the road and directly underneath 2 of the largest trees you’ve ever seen. The trees in my front yard are so big and massive, grass will not grow underneath them. Please ponder with me a minute how intelligent my decision was. Done pondering? Yeah. Not so smart, this girl. I vastly underestimated the Bug Planet I was moving into. They’re everywhere. Spiders. Slugs. Beetles. Ants. More Spiders. More Ants. Things I have never seen before and hope to never see again. Stuff so gross, I can’t even talk about it or I might fall to the ground and curl up in the fetal position.
There are, on any given day, at least 8 spiders on my front porch. I try to sweep them off, and spray my porch with bug repellent which works for a bit but those stupid bugs eventually come back. There are spiders that make sweet spider love in front of my very eyes. Slugs that drag their nasty slug juice across my steps. Ants that take over my counter top in search of a tiny morsel or speck of sugar. The horrors I have encountered are too great to recount, for I would surely faint in disgust at the memories. You think I exaggerate? Please see below for proof.
Warning: Not for the Faint at Heart. Seriously. I’m warning you right now.
If you hate bugs as much as I do, walk away. Close this blog immediately.
Ok. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Ok, that last picture there isn’t of bugs…but there WERE baby birds living on my porch, inside a dead plant. Some days I’m convinced I’m on a new TV show called Mir vs Wild, and there are hidden cameras watching me die a little inside each time I find some new living creature in my space. It’s a tough life, mine