The Self Diagnosis

I’m going to give you a word of advice. Do not ever WebMD your symptoms. No offense to WebMD, because they are a great site, really – great great site. But just between you and I, if you WebMD stuff, you might as well start making funeral arrangements because it’s going to tell you that you’re on your way to having quality one on one time with a cold slab that involves toe jewelry like this:


This is not a fun, new version of the toe ring. No, my friends. That kind of toe jewelry indicates BAD TIMES. So unless you want your Friday night slumber to be filled with visions of toe tags dancing in your head, don’t try to self diagnose on the internet. Which is, of course, exactly what I did. Do as I say, my friends, not as I do.

I’m pretty sure that my body is falling apart on me, which has nothing to do with how I take care of it. It just is happening, and I am helpless to stop it. So finally, after weeks of battling constant headaches, body aches, nausea and fatigue I decide I shall GOOGLE what’s happening to me. That was a bad idea, and I think I might be dying. Luckily my family is not as interested in ridiculous self diagnoses, and instead wants to hear about my nutrition. Ok, confession time. I eat like a college kid with refined taste. And that’s a stretch…but I thought it might be fun to check out today’s food diary. I’ll wait if you want to go pop yourself some popcorn and pour a diet coke so you can really get in the mood to be entertained…

English muffin, coffee and oj. The morning got off to a decentish start food wise – English Muffins were Milton’s:


Only I don’t have this big value pack which kind of makes me feel cheated. My package only has 6 english muffins, and sometimes I think I could exist solely off of english muffins and coffee, which would make a value pack of english muffins a welcome and hot commodity in this girl’s house. But, I felt gross after breakfast and that lasted most of the day. I did have a nectarine around lunch time, and then a banana and a corner of a brownie (ok, ok I ate the brownie corner before the banana) when I babysat this afternoon. My birthday dinner tonight was some kind of vegetarian pie thing my Mom made me which was pretty tasty actually and included healthy sounding ingredients like “tomatoes” and “leeks”. Hey, by the way – what IS a leek? I got curious after typing it out, so I googled it and found this article that told me leeks are like overgrown scallions. That’s good to know…so tonight I had a dinner tonight of tomatoes and onion-y things in a pie.

AND TA DA – here comes the birthday cake: (My birthday is Sunday, and I’m turning 31 so feel free to yell Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall, or through Twitter, or by sending me gawdy but fun jewelry.)



I wanted to vomit after 4 bites, it was THAT rich…but my niece and I were in a contest to see who loves their cake the most, and I was not about to lose. Besides, she told me that she wishes my birthday cake were brown with white and had strawberries and green mustard. I wasn’t about to let that kind of comment go down without an “This cake is so much better than your green mustard cake so BOOYAH” kind of moment. She got bored halfway through her cake and left the table, so I won by FORFEIT. Look, I take any win I can. I have no shame. So that was it – my food diary in a nutshell. And I wonder why I feel weird all the time 😉  So maybe I’m not dying, and maybe I don’t have incurable problems. Anyway, when you get down to it – I won the cake eating contest with my almost 5 year old niece and that is a triumph that will not be overlooked. Oh no, it will not.


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