Pee.


Word of caution: The word pee is mentioned a lot in this blog.  The act of peeing is also discussed.  If you do not wish to learn or hear about pee, do not go any further.  I mean it.  I am SERIOUS.

I have an aversion to pee.  Ok, I know this sounds ridiculous but it’s true.  I think pee is gross.  I hate everything about pee, and peeing in general.  My friends will tell you how weird I am about peeing.  First, I hate knowing that people can hear me pee.  I hate peeing with other people close by or in the bathroom.  If the bathroom fan isn’t loud enough, I’m turning on the water.  Otherwise, I get stage fright.  Don’t believe me?  You can check out an old piece I wrote about bathrooms and peeing here – I even got paid a little bit for that one.  Anyway – so I really hate pee.  Which makes my life super hard because I have an infant sized bladder.  That’s true – I had to have tests done because I pee a million and 42 times a day.   At my last job they tried to put me in charge of handling urine drug tests.  We did a “dry” (ha) run one afternoon with the coworkers, and as soon as my coworker came out of the stall with that cup of pee, I commenced dry heaving.  I had to leave the restroom and tell my bosses to shove it. 

So – I get home today, after an afternoon of watching football and 4 dogs wrestling – uneventful afternoon…no injuries…and let MY dog out of her crate.  She’s excited to see me, as usual, which I don’t understand much because I don’t like her a whole lot.  Don’t get me wrong, I wish no harm upon her furry self – she’s just high maintenance and loud and doesn’t let me sleep as much as I’d like.  I open the door so she can go out to PEE, but she runs off across the yard, which is not good news since she doesn’t like to come back when I call her.  I immediately yell her name, and because it’s been awhile since she’s seen me, she comes right back and bounds up the stairs of my porch.  I lean down to clip her little rope thingy up so she can pee without running away, and in her excitement she pees on the porch.  As if this is not disgusting enough, she’s also flailing around with said excitement and proceeds to splash pee INTO MY FACE. 

I imagine this being replayed in slow motion.  Picture it…puppy legs and tail flopping and thrashing excitedly, tongue dangling in the wind – girl with nicely done hair (what, it DID look good today) and cute black top and jeans leans down to lovingly tie up her obnoxiously hyper dog.  In the background plays Chariots of Fire, and you see the pee splashing slowly…in big droplets up into girl’s face.  Girl then proceeds to flail about and scream, trying to ensure the dog is actually tied up before thrashing around herself, with eyes closed tight (CAN’T. ALLOW. PEE. IN. EYES), to get inside the house.  Once inside the house, it seems to take near an eternity to make the 12 steps or so into the bathroom where she wishes to douse herself with Lysol but instead submits to plain old soap and water.

Gag me.  I have a feeling my issues with pee are not going to end anytime soon.

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